You know how some days you wake up to your 1-yr-old and 3-yr-old in your bed kicking you and shoving you laughing and saying empuje! empuje!, and you know that it is not going to be a good day. Yup. That is today. I roll out of bed already a bit grumpy and definitely still tired only to hear, yelling, fighting, name calling, and 5 kids asking me for all different types of food. When I say,”Look we have oatmeal and we have oatmeal,” I am greeted with: I hate oatmeal, I won’t eat, and I only want apples and cinnamon. Over the next hour of getting lunches packed, diapers changed, ordering kids to brush their teeth, the fighting once again starts, only louder this time (what, to make sure I can hear it downstairs?), and I am resorted to the Mom move of yelling to stop the yelling. “You better stop yelling right now! I am sick of it. All you do is yell. I don’t want to hear any more yelling, do you hear me?” Yes, this is mothering at its finest. I decide it really needs a topper though so I add,” One day your dad and I are going to be dead and you are just going to have each other. You are family, you better start treating each other like you love each other.” Then I go in search of my coffee.
Once the oldest kids have been deposited at school it is time for me to pack up the van and head off to Zumba. Only, my just turned 3-year-old is potty training and had done exceptionally well until the other day when it began to burn while she urinated, so now she is afraid to pee. She holds it in, holds it in, and then it just burst out of her like a fountain. We sit on the potty, she knows she needs to go, but she cries that it will burn. Only, the burning sensation stopped because she has said so herself, but now she associates the toilet with that feeling. I have tried bribing her with gum, candy, cookies, quarters, but no. Only today, when we are running behind she wants to poop on the potty. How can I say no? I put her up there and after bit she does. (Trumpets of victory blaring in the distance), I begin to herd kids out the door, only to get a whiff of the baby’s butt, and I have to change him. Great. We pull in and I start to unload everyone and my 5-year-old wants to know what happens if Zumba catches on fire? I mean, why? I don’t even know. I rush off an answer about evacuation plans, smoke alarms, and fire trucks. Once inside, drop the kids at the daycare, and off I go to pretend I am a very talented hip hop or salsa dancer.
After this I go to the store with the kid, and they keep touching stuff. They put their mouths on the raw meat packages which just, I mean, ew! They keep grabbing things asking if we can have them. I just totally lose my shit and say: “Stop touching stuff, stop putting meat in your mouth, you are here because I have to go to the store, you may not have anything, and if I need your help I promise I will ask for it!” Just so you know this didn’t help. My 1-year-old took off his shoe 10 times and threw it on the floor each time ( foolishly kept putting it back on), my 5-year-old still touched all kinds of stuff, and my 3-year-old crawled on the floor behind me and told me she was a kitty cat. We finally make it to the wine section, and by now I really need this stuff, but no my 3-year-old decides it is time to spin around arms out right next to the glass bottles. Nope. I grab her arm and hold it. I tell her she has to stand there and not move until I am done. She starts to sob while saying, ” This doesn’t make me feel happy.” (Please God, get me and my children out of this store in one piece).
It is nap time, but we were at the store a bit too long, so it becomes sobbing crying central. They are hungry, they cry. They are thirsty, they cry. They are mad at me, they cry. I just start putting them in bed. I want to relax, but overhead I hear the sound of running feet. I decide I need a nice hot shower. My shower is soon interrupted by the 3-year-old who wants to poop in the toilet. Luckily, she can get up there herself most of the time. Unluckily, after she is done, she wants me to climb out of my nice hot shower to wipe her butt. Well, in theory, a relaxing shower was a great idea.
Fine. At this point I am still like a massive ball of stress. I tell them to turn on a tv show. My son wants to turn on Doc McStuffins while my daughter is screaming because she wants Super Hero Squad. I tell them that Mommy needs a time out and not to bother her. I open the wine, yeah I know it is the afternoon, but I don’t care. To make it even more fitting I pull out Tervis wine glass. I grab my computer and decide I need to write. Well, my 6-year-old used my computer yesterday to do math and sight words. I was super proud of him, but now I see, and feel, that he was eating Doritos while doing it. Let me just say- Gross! My keyboard is Yuck!
Well, my timeout and my wine are both almost done, but I feel slightly more at peace. I hope the rest of the day goes better. I mean like a lot better. I hope we are all sitting around singing Kumbaya this evening. I still have 3/4 a bottle of wine left, so there is a chance.